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May 23, 2003: Hirsch arrives at former New York City law firm, Anderson Kill & Olick, as a Summer Associate. He is not eager. He is told he will learn insurance recovery law and learn to love it. He is very skeptical. He lays eyes on Byrnes, a first year associate who calls everyone "dawg" and dresses like a test pilot (Hirsch will come to call her "Chuck Yeager" in ribbing jest). Indeed, she has learned insurance recovery law. However, she does not love it. In fact, Hirsch believes her to hate it. He is intrigued.
By the end of the Summer, Byrnes has abused her power and asked Hirsch to pen a memorandum on the technical distinction between the American Bison and the Buffalo as an official Summer assignment. He complies, unwittingly. He is a sucker for Byrnes.
Hirsch weighs 170 pounds.
September 20, 2004: Hirsch arrives at former New York City law firm as a first year associate. He is now eager (not to practice law, but to service his ever-mounting credit card debt). With assurances from the firm that he would have permanent employment, his 3rd year of law school enjoyed all the wonderful trappings of financial success before financial success had actually arrived.
Hirsch sees Byrnes again. "What up, dawg?" "Hey, Chuck Yeager. Sweet bomber jacket." "Hey Hirsch, nice gigantic head. How's your neck feel about holding up Jupiter?" Throughout their friendship, Byrnes would playfully poke Hirsch about possessing an abnormally large head and wearing a sweater made of real bear. Hirsch would become insecure and begin feeding his insecurities. He also started increasing his butt consumption, moving towards one pack of Camel Lights per day, due to the pressures of work.
Byrnes and Hirsch would begin eating in the same firm circles. Hirsch learned that Byrnes's front two teeth were veneers received at the recommendation of a quack dentist who had shaved her front incisors into nubs. Byrnes learned that Hirsch had five tattoos, one featuring a martini glass on his left bicep holding the Manhattan skyline and the not profound, no meaning at all phrase: "NO SLEEP."
In the future, Byrnes will call Hirsch one evening and ask if he would be interested in posing for her friend's upcoming book on tattoos. Hirsch will be flattered and agree. Byrnes will respond with a droll laugh. Hirsch will find out before the shoot that the book's working title is "Regrettable." Hirsch will call Byrnes a jackass.
A friendship begins to bloom. Hirsch has begun consuming a ton of Wendy's.
Hirsch weighs 185 pounds.
March 30, 2006: Byrnes's hair is now purple from an unfortunate at-home coloring fiasco. Hirsch digs her hair, but publicly decries the shade as ridiculous and asks Byrnes what's it like being a goth-yuppy. Byrnes queries what's it like being fat. Hirsch is now ordering extra cheese on everything. He has a particular affinity for a hero from Majestic Deli on the corner of 50th and 7th, a turkey, swiss (extra swiss), bacon (extra bacon), lettuce sandwich with Russian dressing (extra dressing). He has been known to eat two of them in a given work day.
Hirsch has now seen Byrnes without one of her veneers. One night at a firm karaoke event it popped out after biting into a piece of pizza. The sight of Byrnes without her veneer frightened Hirsch. He accompanied her to CVS to purchase denture bond as a temporary elixir for her toothless visage. Hirsch said she looked like a redneck and began singing "Cotton-Eyed Joe" to poke at her. They attended to her dental needs together in the karaoke bar's bathroom that had an out of order sign on the door. Thus, the proprietor believed Hirsch and Byrnes were doing narcotics and shooed them out.
In the future, after their first, unexpected romantic encounter, Byrnes will send pictures to Hirsch of her face sans veneer trying to dissuade him from the pursuit. Hirsch will counter with pictures of himself from the mid 1990s when he wore silk shirts, had a deplorable goatee and wore pants so big they covered his feet. But no amount of missing teeth or rave haute couture will be able to deter their march towards each other.
Byrnes and Hirsch have become good friends. They drink at happy hour with the firm rabble. They grouse about their current partners; Hirsch is immersed in a six-year relationship sputtering on an empty emotional tank, Byrnes is engaged to a would-be rock star, but drags her feet on planning the wedding. They leave happy hour each night with a hug and a parting jab (e.g., "See yah tomorrow, Hirsch. See yah tonight over the buildings, Hirsch's head.")
Hirsch has ballooned to 200 pounds. Cheese controls his life.
August 2, 2006: Hirsch's relationship has ended. Byrnes consoles him. Hirsch and Byrnes grow closer. Byrnes handles Hirsch with kid gloves and makes him feel good. Hirsch's standard lunch is three junior bacon cheeseburgers, a five-piece chicken nugget, a large Frostie and a Biggie coke from Wendy's - a savory denouement to the three McGriddles he smushed into his face only hours earlier for breakfast.
Hirsch puts up a profile on J-Date, but finds his encounters to end in unfeeling rejection or veritable marriage proposals within a week of interaction.
Byrnes sends him emails that brighten his day. She is always a willing ear. And Hirsch is talking a lot these days about regret.
He's eating too (as you know): 210 pounds.
November 23, 2006: Byrnes is in dire straits. Betrayal. She is no longer engaged. She is alone in the world. Hirsch wants to be there for her now, wants to be her rock. He owes her for her compassion. They spend many late nights together in maudlin banter. Woe is me! Woe is you! Hirsch marvels at Byrnes's strength. In the darkest of times, she perseveres. She refuses to capitulate. Hirsch has grown supremely fond of Byrnes.
A telling moment at Byrnes's birthday party. The catalyst - a picture of Hirsch with turkey gravy on his eyeglasses. Apparently he plants his full face in food now. Byrnes chuckles at the picture. Hirsch loves her for it. No, Hirsch loves her. He loves every thing about her. He loves every minute shared over the past years. Every joke. Every joshing moment.
Hirsch loves her. He decides to tell her about it - over and over again. Byrnes is surprised. She can only offer that it is "not completely unrequited."
Hirsch blames this ambivalence on his, er, "Rubenesque" frame. He has topped out at a portly 219 pounds. His head is enormous. His eating habits deplorable. His smoking habit out of control. Couches are leading less sedentary lives than he is.
And he cannot get Byrnes. And he has never wanted someone more. Cue the Rocky montage music: A life change is necessary.
February 4, 2007: Byrnes, Hirsch and firm folks head to Chicago for Super Bowl XLI. Byrnes's home town. They carouse with her sister and brother. They witness an entire bar shake when Devin Hester returns the opening kickoff. Hirsch swears never to return when the temperature drops to -150 degrees. Byrnes calls him a sissy. However, Byrnes has begun to come around on Hirsch. Hirsch has quit cigarettes and put down the Frosties. He is in the gym. He has wiped the gravy from his glasses.
Hirsch has begun dating another woman. Byrnes has the slightest inkling of what she calls "'irritation" (translation: irritation means jealously in the Byrnes lexicon, though she will never admit it - good thing she asked me to write the "About Us" section and this story is one-sided).
Hirsch is 197 pounds.
April 15, 2007: Byrnes has returned from Hawaii. Hirsch has returned from Disney World. Byrnes calls Hirsch super lame for going to Disney World. Hirsch thinks Byrnes is once again "irritated" by the company he kept on his vacation. Hirsch has never felt closer to a woman. He savors every platonic minute with her. They cavort and gallivant around New York City during the witching hours. They don't want to go home to their lives. They want their nights together to never end. Every night is pushed to last call. Some nights go beyond last call.
Hirsch is 184 pounds.
May 6-7, 2007: The legendary events of the evening of May 6, 2007, remain ensconced in mystery for the inquiring public. Some speculate that Byrnes performed an interpretative dance to Color Me Badd's "Sex You Up" for Hirsch as a promulgation of her love. Others contend that Hirsch in fact initiated the romance via a symbolic offering of his "fat pants" - the size 38s khakis he used to wear to work - a sign of his serious commitment to Byrnes.
However, all the gossips agree on what resulted from that evening. Byrnes and Hirsch began a love affair that brings them to the Colony Palms, Palm Springs, on October 10, 2009, to enter the bonds of matrimony. Hirsch loves Byrnes without relent or condition. Byrnes loves Hirsch with devotion and unbridled passion.
THE END
(Epilogue: Hirsch ends this story at 175 pounds. Byrnes contends she always loved Hirsch - even when gravy prevented untrammelled sight into her eyes. Hirsch argues that Byrnes found him jolly and ridiculous at that stage of his development. No concession on this point is expected from either side prior to October 10.)
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